


Ghost Of You

by nico_neo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, Heavy Angst, I'm sure i forgot some tags, M/M, Minor Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Minor Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 23:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nico_neo/pseuds/nico_neo
Summary: "Jisung is nice… But he’s not you.”- So I drown it out like I always doDancing through our houseWith the ghost of you - Ghost Of You, 5 Seconds Of Summer





	Ghost Of You

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm an emotional/emotionless mess and this happened

_Here I am waking up_ _  
Still can't sleep on your side_

 _  
_ When Chenle woke up, he found himself in the same position he was when he fell asleep. On the right side of the bed, facing the empty left one, never trespassing the invisible barrier that had settled. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to sleep there.

It’ll only hurt him more.

Reminded him once more that _he_ wasn’t there anymore.

Chenle shook his head to chase the tears that started to fill his eyes and turned on his left to grab his phone, checking the time.

_5:30 am_

He sighed and rubbed his sleepy eyes. He got out of bed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep more anyway and slowly walked to the kitchen. He entered the little space, opened one of the drawer, grabbed a familiar mug and started preparing his morning coffee.

_There's your coffee cup_

While his drink was heating up, his eyes got lost on the mug. It was a simple mug really, it was white, and the caffeine molecule was drawn on it.

But it was _his_ mug.

Chenle’s thoughts were cut off when the coffee machine signaled that his drink was ready.

So it’s with memories of them drinking their coffee and taking their breakfast during early mornings that Chenle took the first sip of his drink.

But this time he was alone at their kitchen table.

And the coffee tasted bitter.

_The lipstick stain fades with time_

 

He didn’t have anything planned for today, so he decided to work a bit on his college essay. He tried to do it at home, but he felt like crying every single minute, so he opted for going to the café instead, taking his computer in his backpack.

When he pushed the door open, he was welcomed with the familiar scent of coffee and pastries. The waiters greeted him with smiles and Chenle tried to reciprocate it the best he could and quickly took a seat by the window. Soon after, a waiter with light brown hair came to his table.

“Can I get you anything?” he asked, and when Chenle looked up to him, he recognized Jaemin.

Chenle nodded and Jaemin smiled softly at him, gently ruffling his hair in the process.

Jaemin was _his_ friend. He knew why Chenle was here, he didn’t have to ask.

Chenle was just beginning to get to work when his order appeared on his table. He looked to thank Jaemin, but it wasn’t Jaemin he saw. It was a younger boy, probably his age or less, with blonde hair, who smiled shyly at him before going back behind the counter when Chenle muttered a ‘thank you’.

He stayed at the café until his essay was done.

 

 

 _If I can dream long enough_  
_You'd tell me I'd be just fine_

It was dark when he got home. He’ll most likely eat something quickly, take a shower and go to sleep.

That was basically how all is days went since _he_ left. He tried not to stay at home too much. It hurt.

The blonde boy found instant ramen in the cupboard and happily eat them for a dinner. He took a quick shower but entered the bedroom much slower. He placed his phone on the night drawer, plugged it and entered the blankets, staying on the right side of the bed, never trespassing to the left one.

He stayed awake a long time, staring at the empty side. Hoping it wasn’t real, it was all just a dream and _he_ ’ll enter in a few minutes with his signature smile on his features.

But Chenle knew it’ll never happened. _He_ was gone, _he_ won’t come back.

He closed his eyes, hoping to fall asleep quickly.

But the only thing he saw when he closed his eyelids was _his_ smiling face, stained with tears, that day. And those words.

“It’s not because of you. It’s just me. I promise you, you’ll be fine. I love you.”

Those were Jeno last word to him.

_I'll be just fine_

 

 _So I drown it out like I always do_  
_Dancing through our house_  
 _With the ghost of you_

Every time he walked in the apartment, Chenle could feel Jeno’s presence. Everywhere.

Every little place in the apartment was filled with memories.

The kitchen, where they always ended up food fighting at some point. But also where they spend their mornings, silently enjoying each other’s presence while drinking a coffee and eating.

The living room, where they watched movies, curled up in each other’s arms on the couch. Where they kissed, most of the times softly. And where they often ended up falling asleep during their movie marathons before moving to the bedroom.

The bedroom, where they would be ended up in each other’s embrace each night, their hearts beating at the same rhythm, their breathing matching.

 _And I chase it down_  
_With a shot of truth_  
 _Dancing through our house_  
 _With the ghost of you_

But every time that kind of memory would invade Chenle’s head, he chased it down with a hurtful truth.

Jeno won’t come back.

He’s too far gone for Chenle to reach him.

The only thing Chenle has left was the ghost of him.

 

 _Cleaning up today_  
_Found that old Zepplin shirt_  
 _You wore when you ran away_  
 _And no one could feel your hurt_

With Renjun’s help, they put into order what was left of Jeno’s stuff. Mostly clothes.

Halfway through their sorting, Chenle stopped and kept his eyes glued on the black shirt of an old rock band he had in his hands.

Jeno was wearing that shirt the day he ran away from his house and crashed at Chenle’s place, telling him his parents discovered about his sexuality and how it degenerated to the point his only remedy was to run away. It was the first time Jeno talked to him about “going away”. Chenle didn’t understood at first.

He didn’t understand it had an hidden meaning.

They had spent most of their night comforting each other that day. But in the end, they were in each other’s arms and that was what mattered.

Chenle didn’t notice tears were running down his cheeks until Renjun pulled him into a hug. Instantly, more and more tears made their way down his cheeks and he began sobbing. Renjun soothing him by rocking by and forth and playing with his hair like you would do with a child.

“Do you keep it?” Renjun asked when his sobs had quieted down, his own voice tighten with sadness. Chenle nodded against his chest and the other muttered a soft ‘okay’ and kissed his hair.

“I miss him so much.” Chenle managed to croak out. He heard Renjun taking a shaky breath and he knew from this moment that the older was crying too.

“I miss him too.”

‘ _Too young, too dumb, to know things like love’_ people often said to them. And sometimes Chenle believed that maybe… Just maybe… Maybe if they didn’t love each other Jeno would still be there. During harder times, it went like a mantra in his head.

And the only thing he could do was to blame himself. Until he became sleepy enough to see Jeno frowning at him and that he could almost feel the older’s fingers tenderly making their way in his hair.

“I told you it’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. You know it’s not like that. It’ll never be because of you. It was the remainders. Life. It was too much for me, I couldn’t handle it anymore.”

To everyone, Jeno was a boy who loved life, always smiling and happy.

But it was a simple facade.

Jeno didn’t like life enough.

And Chenle fell asleep with the thought that he could have done something. He should have.

_But I know better now_

 

It’s been a little more than a year now. And Chenle didn’t found the courage before, but today he took his decision.

He slowly walked past the graves, searching for a familiar name. He finally found it.

He kneeled in front of it and put the flowers he brought on the cold stone. The grave was full of flowers, certainly from Jaemin, Renjun and Donghyuck. When he took a closer look, Chenle noticed there were also pictures. A group one with Jaemin, Renjun, Donghyuck, Mark, and of course, Jeno. They were all smiling on that one. It brought tears to Chenle’s eyes. He missed those smiles. Jeno’s was the one he was missing the most but when he thought about it, he hadn’t seen such wide smiles on his friends’ faces in a long time.

It’s like the black-haired boy took a part of everybody with him.

He spotted another picture on the other side of the grave, and this time, tears rolled down his cheeks.

It was a picture of both of them. Chenle remembered it was Donghyuck who took it when they all went to the fair. On it, they were both eating cotton candy and if Chenle was more focused on the pink candy, Jeno was looking at him with that fond smile and loving look he wished he could still see today.

At some point, he ended up sitting on the grass, watching at the sky. There were barely any clouds and the sky was a bright blue, so he started speaking.

“I know I should have come sooner but… I couldn’t.” he started.

He told him everything, how he was feeling: hopeless. How their common friends are helping him, how they’re all helping each other’s out. How Jaemin and Renjun had each other through their grieving. How Donghyuck’s attitude changed since that day, how he was much quieter since then. How he didn’t have any news of Mark. How his suicide changed the five of them, how it wasn’t the same anymore.

“I’m seeing a psychiatrist… You know… To cope and grieve.” He sniffled and went one. “She said that with time memories will fade. I don’t feel that at all. It’s like you’re everywhere but… But you’re not there physically. It’s just… just a ghost. A feeling.”

He then started talking about Jisung. The barista had tried to approach him several times after that night when he served him his coffee. Chenle blamed it on Jaemin. But one night, it’s not Jaemin nor Renjun who listened to Chenle’s pain. It was Jisung.

Chenle didn’t know what relationship they had with the younger, but when he talked about it with his psychiatrist, she told him it was one of his first step to enter in the “cooling down” phase.

The blonde-haired boy wiped his tears, but it was worthless, more and more were rolling down his cheeks.

“You said I’ll be fine… I’m not though. I feel like I will fall apart at any time… Jisung is nice… But he’s not you.”

_So I drown it out like I always do_

_Dancing through our house_

_With the ghost of you_

_And I chase it down_

_With a shot of truth_

_That my feet don't dance_

_Like they did with you._

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/niconeo3)   
>  [curiouscat](https://t.co/e1UnChL5kj)


End file.
